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Metaphysical Santa
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Metaphysical Santa
Copyright © August 10, 2017 Douglas W. Jerving.
All Rights Reserved.
Santa Claus is that dude who lives up north. He runs a toy factory employing little people and
talking animals. Every year on December 24th he makes a rendezvous around planet earth delivering
toys to children. His trip lasts a day. Twenty-four hours. It takes his workshop a year to prepare
for the event.
Santa has twenty-four hours to get around the world, and he must visit every person on the planet
in that time. Is that possible? Theoretically yes, if time is a factor relative to the space-time
continuum.
What then is the theoretical or actual evidence that Santa Claus can visit every person on planet
Earth within a twenty-four-hour time frame? That is the thesis of this blog.
Since an earth day is 24 hours we will allow him half that time for his first stop. Since we don’t
know the full schedule, we will assume that suiting up, and preparing the flying reindeer takes
some time. That is Santa’s preparatory time. We will not include any preparatory time in the
calculation of the actual event. From the moment of take-off until his final stop in the extreme
Antarctic colony of Szargoff, New Hemeeny, SP109a, it takes literally 24 hours. The return trip
to the North Pole is not, either, included in our consideration. We are only considering the
moment of take-off until the very last delivery.
It is then a given fact of science that Santa’s take-off from the North Pole to his final ascent
from Szargoff station in the South Pole is almost exactly twenty-four hours based upon our modern
calendar.
Santa’s first stop is literally twelve hours away in the far northern hegemony of Porolsgattan,
which is a protectorate of Norway. He must go down a chimney, eat some cookies, leave gifts, and
then begin his flight to the next house in the protectorate. There are only fifteen families that
live in Porolsgattan, but they all live in one house with three chimneys. We know from previous
studies that chimney visitations take an average of five minutes each. It should take only fifteen
minutes to visit Porolsgattan, and thus twelve hours and fifteen minutes before Santa moves on to
the next location.
From Porolsgattan to the next closest touchdown takes half that time to complete. Six hours later,
give or take a few minutes for bad weather, Metaphysical Santa has finally finished his second stop.
It has now taken him eighteen hours to complete stops in the first two extreme northern territories.
But this is where it gets easier because the space between time coefficients essentially drop on an
exponential base to a factor of zero.
Every stop from this point forward is half the time of the previous stop. Three hours after the second
stop is the third stop one door away. One and a half hours later is the fourth stop. Three quarters of
an hour is the 5th stop. Three eighths of an hour are the 6th stop.
After twenty-three hours, fifty-nine minutes and 59.9999999+ seconds the very last stop has been
completed, and 7.5 billion people have received gifts that took a year to make. It only took half the
time of every previous stop to complete the stop after it. As a result, every stop to every home and
every visit to every person on planet Earth was completed before twenty-four hours were passed.
Before 24 hours are completed, Metaphysical Santa has visited every person and home on planet Earth.
What a guy!
Apparently, Santa discovered the Infinite Improbability Machine before Douglas Adams!
And apparently, a room full of chimpanzees with type-writers are capable of composing Shakespeare’s
Mid-Summer’s Night Dream given enough time.
And apparently also random events in a junk yard can assemble a 747 jet.
And of course, time and space extended ad infinitum despite the first and second laws of thermodynamics
can create a thinking universe despite the universal entropic decay of that same universe which denies
its own eternity.
That is why I believe in evolution. And in Santa Claus.
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Doug Jerving is the publisher of the NewEdisonGazette.com. You may contact him at
dje@newedisongazette.com.
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